


My soul is broken (keep it safe in your hands)

by WritingStag



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Kara needs to deal with her trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-01-29 17:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12636093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingStag/pseuds/WritingStag
Summary: You feel broken, shattered and empty. The Daxamites are gone, Mon-El is gone but the loneliness and  the pain of loss has stayed. You don't know what to do so you drift into the sky and close your eyes, only to find yourself in the arms of the only person who makes you feel.





	1. Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Super behind on this but better late than never. This is the immediate aftermath of the season 2 finale. also Lyrics are to Koven's everything which I strongly suggest listening to while reading. Enjoy and come bother me on tumblr at coffeeskater.tumblr.com!

_The city lights you’ve wanted, their coming up ahead_

_So I left this path wide open_

_So you could come instead._

You’re exhausted. It feels like the past 48 hours have gone by in such a rush that you barely remember what happened, yet you are aware of three certainties.

One. Mon-El is gone.

Two. Alex and everyone else is safe.

Three. You are alone and so tired from carrying an entire dead civilisation on your shoulders.

You think Losing Mon-El is less about the man and more about the feeling it gives you. Like losing Krypton all over again. In the end you know he was not the last of his kind but her understood Krypton and your culture better than anyone else. It was less Alien to him than J’onn, or Alex. You miss the feeling he gave you, like you weren’t the last true Kryptonian. But, you don’t miss _him_ and it makes you feel so guilty.

Slowly you find yourself floating off the balcony of the D.E.O and hovering in the air. Buildings still smoke, but for the most part there are no more fires. The city is littered with rubble and debris. Your mind itches to go out and start fixing, helping. Your hands are weary as is your heart. Instead you find yourself drifting, floating.

It is not till you hear the faster than normal heart beat do you realize you’ve let yourself shut everything off and drifted wherever. Wherever is apparently Lena Luthors balcony. She’s soft, dressed in small sleep shorts and a long sleeved shirt that just looks so soft you want to touch it.

So you do, without a word you float forward and finger the hem of her shirt. She’s speaking you realize distantly and it takes monumental effort to tear your gaze from her waist and up to her face. Her eyes are green, so green. Her mouth moves and her hand comes up to cup your cheek.

“Supergirl?” She asks and suddenly the sound turns back on and a wave of noise crashes into you. You stumble back and Lena only watches, hand reached out as if to catch you but unsure if she should.

“I’m Kara.”  You blurt. “Danvers. Zor-El. Kara. I’m Kara.” You say, looking up and desperately trying 2to keep the pieces you can feel shattering in your chest together. Lena’s face is unreadable. “Your mother. She knows and she didn’t tell you because she knew you’d hate me. “Words spill from your lips faster than you can think to stop them. “But I didn’t tell you because I’m selfish. I’m so selfish...” you whisper, arms coming up to hug yourself (hold yourself together) “you look at me, you look at Kara the way people only look at Supergirl. You let me be me. I don’t… I don’t have to choose who to be around you, Kara Danvers or Supergirl, I can be whatever and you accept that. I…” Tears begin to spill over and you’re not sure why it is now that the flood gates break. “I wanted to keep that, I wanted to keep feeling special for being me, not for what I can do…”

Lena takes a step forward and you take a step back. A sob stutters in your chest and you cover your mouth to stifle it. “And I need to know if you hate me. I need to know how you feel now because I can’t after today. I can’t lose anyone else but I can’t make you stay. If you’re going to go I have to let you go tonight.” You didn’t come here with the intention of dropping a bomb on your best friend. You didn’t have any intentions to see her after everything. You didn’t intend to see anyone but your heart brought you here and you’ve never been one to ignore it.

“Kara.” Lena says softly, stepping fully out onto the balcony and striding forward determinedly until she stands right in front of you. She’s shorter than you without heels on. She has to look up slightly to meet your eyes but somehow you still feel small under her gaze. “Kara Zor-El.” She says and you tremble, head lowering to stare at your feet in shame and fear. Her arms wind around you and pull you tight to her. “Kara Zor-El, you are still my best friend and so special to me.

_Save yourself right now_

_And so the truth comes out_

You collapse into her arms, trembling and feeling so weak. Tears run down your cheeks and it hits you how gross you feel, dirt and dust covering every inch of you. You’ve barely changed out of your super suit since the Daxamites came and you want nothing more than to be out of it. “Get it off of me.” You gasp. “Get it off, please Lena get it off.”

She takes a moment to understand what you mean before she strengthens her hold on you and with a strength you didn’t know she had she slips from your hold and slides under your right arm, supporting your weight as she helps you inside. She guides you to her bedroom and sets you down on the edge of her California king bed. A gentle hand cups your cheek and swipes away some of the tears. She almost smiles before unclasping your cape and setting it on the bed next to you. The boots come off after as you claw your way out of the top. It leaves you in a grey sports bra and your skirt and leggings.

“The bathroom is through there.” She says pointing to a dark wood door. “Would you like to-“

“Please.” You whisper, interrupting her. She takes your hands and walks you to her bathroom. Its lavish and just what you’d expect from Lena. A hot bath and some scented candles was her favourite indulgence she’d once told you and so her bathroom was the nicest and most opulent room in her penthouse she’d once confessed, smiling as her eyes crinkled, forkful of kale halfway to her mouth. The memory makes a bizarre twisted chuckle rumble from your chest. She looks at you curiously and in response you gesture to the elegance of the room. She seems to understand, a small smile cracking her lips as well. She starts the shower for you and sets two fluffy white towels on the counter for you. 

“Use whatever you need Kara.” The way she says your name makes you want to cry all over again, which you almost do, catching her wrist and giving it a soft squeeze. She looks at you and you whisper the words thank you so quietly your lips barely move and you’re not sure you’ve actually spoken at all. She smiles at you however, squeezes back and leaves you to clean up. You don’t hesitate to strip the rest of your clothes off and get in the shower, letting the hot water wash over you. You tip your face into the hot spray and take deep gasping breaths.

It’s therapeutic feeling the water wash the grime away. You wash yourself with the bar of soap you find in the holder and the lather in the orange scented body wash. Your hair takes three washes before the water stops running grey when you rinse. You put conditioner in and let it sit while you kneel down, one hand flat against the bottom of the shower, the other pressed hard to your heart, trying to feel it beat. You miss the sound of the door being cracked open and Lena placing a set of clean pyjamas on the counter for you, eyes carefully averted.

Once you’ve managed to calm yourself down enough, you stand again, rinsing your hair once more before shutting the water off and stepping out, towel drying yourself and finding the pyjamas on the counter. They look warm and soft with little rubber ducks on them. Theres still a tag on them and instantly you know Lena had bought them for you at some point. You rip the tags off and changed before leaving the bathroom, steam spilling from the room. Lena is curled up on the bed a book in her hand that she sets down immediately when you walk out. Your cape lays folded neatly on her dresser, boots next to it and the rest of your supersuit folded and placed on top.

“You bought me Pyjamas.” You state. Lena hesitates, half standing half kneeling on the bed.

“I did.” She responds and even through the haze in your mind and the pain your desperately trying to ignore you can see the vulnerability radiating off her. “I don’t like sleeping in my clothes and with the amount of times you fall asleep on the couch after a movie marathon I just thought….” She trails off, refusing to look at you.

“Thank you. It’s a very kind gesture.” Your speech is almost mechanical but you find yourself praying she understands the sincerity of the sentiment.

She smiles a little crookedly and gestures to the bed, pulling back on corner of the covers. “You can take the bed, I put the gravity blanket on. It helps me and…” she trails off again and shrugs. “I’m not even sure you can feel the weight.”

Like you’re in some dream you walk up to her and take her hands, holding them tight within yours and holding them to your chest.  “Stay with me. Please.” You beg, squeezing your eyes shut tight and willing the tears away. There’s a moment of heavy silence and you know Lena is reading between the lines of your request. You both know you don’t mean just for the night.

“Always.” She finally responds, voice rough, like she too is trying to hold back tears. “As long as you’ll have me.”

“Always.” You echo. Her hands slip from yours to frame your face, thumbs running along your cheeks. Distantly you wonder how Lena knows exactly what you need and how to comfort you. You’d think with her upbringing she’d be hesitant and unsure of how to comfort you (or anyone) but she’s been nothing short of perfect, which you tell her as soon as you think it, leaning your forehead against hers.

“It feels so different hearing that.” She whispers. “A Luthor must always be perfect.” She says in a voice, clearly imitating her mother. “Somehow I don’t think this is what she had in mind.” You actually laugh at that, a deep belly laugh that startles Lena away from you, green eyes wide in shock.

“No I don’t think this is what she had in mind at all.” You reply, still laughing. Lena cracks a smile and you calm down. “I think she’d lose her mind really. Me and you.”

“A Luthor and a super.” She says chuckling herself now. “She’d have a fit.”

You tip your forehead back onto hers. “That’s not what I meant, more just me and you. You’re a genius, CEO and practically royalty. Me I’m just… clumsy silly and awkward. I doubt I’m any sort of acceptable to your mother. Alien heritage aside.” Lena shrugs and doesn’t reply, instead pulls away and again gestures to the bed.

“It hardly matters what my mother thinks. Only what we think.” She says. You nod and crawl into the bed, silky sheets soft against your skin. Lena gets in after you, lying flat on her back and reaching over to turn the light off. Her penthouse is high up enough that almost no light save for what little light the moon provides filters into the room. And you find the darkness comforting. It is silent for a few moments, neither you nor Lena moving or speaking.

“I once read that humans kept cats not only for their usefulness in chasing away pests but for their healing abilities. Cats have a sixth sense and comfort their owners when in distress or pain by laying with them and purring. They learned this behavior from doing so with each other.” You roll onto your side and find Lena already looking at you, uncertainty written all over her face.

“Is this your roundabout way of asking me if I would like you to cuddle me?” you ask, fighting a smile off your face.

“Yes.” She whispers back.

You fall silent a moment to think before scooting closer and cuddling up to her side, letting your head rest on her shoulder and wrapping one arm securely around her waist. She lets you get comfortable before awkwardly trying to hold you. Her inexperience is clear but it doesn’t bother you. You find it endearing that she’s trying for you. It’s more than many others have given you.

“Good night Lena.” You whisper, trapping an ‘I love you’ Behind your teeth.

“Goodnight Kara.” She whispers.

You know the morning will bring chaos and pain and the crashing down of reality but for now you are warm and safe and that’s more than you thought you’d get tonight. Lena is warm and you cuddle closer, letting out a long sigh and falling asleep almost instantly.

_So let your soul out now_

_And place your hand in mine_

_In mine_


	2. If you Still want that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath has passed and all that's left is two uncertain women.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry for the delay in this Chapter, real life, university and serious medical issues all solved, chapter written, and made 100% gay. I hope you all enjoy. comments fuel my writing tendencies.
> 
> Song is Oblivion by M83 this time.
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr at coffeeskater!

_And in the night, you hear me calling_  
_You hear me calling_  
 _And in your dreams, you see me falling, falling_

You wake with a start, jolting upright, dreams of His pod crashing, exploding or being sucked into a black hole; in every iteration the end result is the same, he dies. You stifle a sob and press your hands to your eye sockets to ward off the tears you won’t let fall. Not now. It is dawn and the Sun is just barely peaking over the horizon. It’s still dark and Lena still lies beside you, mouth open as she drools a little. The sight softens your heart and carefully you lay back down. She shifts and cuddles closer to you, one arm around your waist and the other hugging your arm to her chest. You fall asleep to the sound of her soft breaths and gentle heartbeat.

This time you only dream of deep green forests and joyfully babbling brooks.

The second time you wake it is early afternoon you think. The sun is too high in the sky to be morning but it can’t be past 2. You get up and groggily make your way to your boots and reach in, finding your phone at the bottom of the left one. It confirms that it is just past 12:30. Your surprised at the lack of Text messages or missed calls but upon opening your conversations you see Alex had texted over a dozen times. Her last texts reads:

Alex: _Lena just called and explained things for the most part. I’m glad she’s there for you. Come home when your ready._

You smile a bit at the message. Alex might not trust Lena the way you do but she’s slowly coming around.

Lena! Where is she? She wasn’t in bed when you woke (not that you are surprised, Lena doesn’t know how to sleep past 9 am.) You hurry from the bedroom and find her in the kitchen. Instead of the tight business your used to you find her in a pair of short shorts and an oversized sweater you recognize in the back of your brain as yours. Lena has a sixth sense or maybe she hears your sigh of relief because she turns around and gives you a kind smile.

“I made breakfast?” she says, almost like it’s a question before gesturing to the mountain of pancakes, several bowls of fruit and what must be at least three loaves of bread worth of toast.  She seems nervous and bites her lip. “I wasn’t sure you’d be hungry but you love food and I remember you telling me you really need to carb load in the mornings so I thought I’d cook? It’s okay if you don’t want to eat though.” She pauses and seems to hug herself, spatula in one hand and the other gripping her forearm tight. “I don’t think I’ll be able to eat for the next year.” She mumbles, clearly forgetting your super hearing (which you try to not use but every inch of you is focused on her right now so how could you miss it.)

“Thank you.” You say, feeling like it’s just not enough so you walk up to her and hug her. You feel…. Well the saying here is “feeling human again’ but you feel farther from human than you’ve ever felt, even counting the time you first landed.  You feel steady. You feel more grounded than you did last night and even though everything is still raw and stinging Lena’s presence and acceptance make you feel a whole lot better, as does the light of day. She hugs you back and you just stand there breathing for a few moments.

You step back and eye all the food she’s made you. It strikes you that Lena so casual has made you enough food to satiate your alien appetite and metabolism. She catches you staring at the food and blushes.

“I figured you’d need to eat a lot more than you always do to keep up appearances. My brother..” she trails off at the mention of her brother, suddenly unable to look at you. “Before Lex really went off the deep end her was curious about Superman’s abilities… his biology. I remember him mentioning once krytonians need to eat roughly 4 times our normal food intake just to be healthy. It never was something I thought about it but…” she trails off again and you are frozen solid.

“That it?” you ask in disbelief. “You’re just… okay with this, with me being…” you can’t make yourself say it out loud but you gesture to your chest where your crest would normally sit.

“Yes.” Lena responds, immediately, confidently. She takes a seat and pulls a bowl of kiwi towards herself and begins eating small pieces. “I’ll admit I had an inkling but I never confronted you about it. It’s your secret to tell. And I’m sure you had your reasons for keeping it from me. My last name included.” The way Lena says it so nonchalantly makes your chest ache and you immediately step forward and grab her hand between both of yours.

“It’s not because of your last name.” you say, voice strong and sure for the first time since you left the DEO last night. “At first it was because I didn’t know you, I…” you chuckle a little at the absurdity of the thought that comes to mind when you tell her “I don’t just tell random people that… What’s the point of a secret identity if I tell everyone?” you clear your throat and meet Lena’s eyes. “And then because you just see me as me. I’m not Supergirl, I’m not Kara Danvers I’m not Kara Zor-el. I’m just Kara, your best friend.” You squeeze her hands and press ever closer, wishing you didn’t have a large granite counter between you. “You judge me on my own merits, you don’t expect anything from me and you just let me be a person, no expectations. And honestly that’s the most precious thing I’ve ever had.“ you admit, trailing off softly towards the end of your confession. “And then I got scared to tell you, it felt too late to tell you. I was scared and selfish. I didn’t want to lose what I had with you so I hid it from you. It’s… It’s not an excuse but it’s the honest reason why.”

Lena hasn’t said a word since you confession and as time passes you can feel yourself becoming tense. The silence stretches on for 20 minutes before Lena breaks it. She lifts her head and meets your eyes and you’re startled by the sheer amount of fear and vulnerability you see shining at you from across the counter top. “Since we’re being honest…” Lena starts tentatively, stopping to clear her throat and draw herself up, a little bit of her CEO persona slipping in. “I don’t mind, I’m not upset and I’m not mad because…” She has to stop again, squeeze her eyes shut and look away for a few seconds before trying again.  “I don’t mind because It doesn’t change how I feel about you.” She says.

You tip your head trying to read between the lines. Lena has just stated the obvious but it clearly took her a great amount of effort to say so that can’t be all there is to it. Alex likes to tease you for being naïve or dense but you know that’s not the case, you just act like it to help your human person feel more real to you.

“I don’t…” I don’t understand what it is you’re trying to tell me.” You eventually reply, still holding Lena’s hand across the counter.

She huffs a laughing, shaking her head and looking up at the ceiling for a brief moment. “Of course you’re going to make me say it.” She murmurs, only confusing you further. She gathers herself again but this time she can’t meet your eyes.  “I’m okay with you being Supergirl because it means your bullet proof which will come in handy since my family are notorious alien haters and quite frankly that fact aside there are plenty of people who want to kill me.” You don’t know what this has to do with anything but you listen to Lena anyways, eyes never leaving her face and watching as she clearly struggles to keep going. “It’s very reassuring to know your bullet proof and nigh on invincible because it’s means your very difficult to hurt and makes me feel less guilty about being In love with you.” Lena says, now a deep shade of crimson. You’re so startled by this revelation that you actually gasp. Lena won’t look at you and you know exactly what she’s thinking. So you don’t hesitate.

“I think I’m in love with you too.” Lena’s head snaps up to look at you, so surprised and hopeful but still scared. “I think I’ve been in love with you for a while. To be honest I’ve never been very successful with romance and the idea kind of scares the crap out of me.” Lena laughs and smiles, offering a quiet ‘me too.’ Your face falls and Lena notices immediately, tensing and likely preparing for rejection. “But my heart… it’s… it’s a mess now and it’s in tatters and I need to cope with that I need... I need to figure myself out, I need to grieve.” You take a deep breath. “I can’t be with you right now.” You say and the words almost hurt worse than all the pain from the last few days combined. Lena’s face falls but she nods and you can see her building her walls back up so you rush to get in before she’s closed up. “Just… give me some time. Please?” you ask.

Lena smiles an almost wistful smile. “Of course Kara. I want you to be certain before... well before anything. I want you to be secure with any choice you make.”

 You nod and squeeze her hand. “Just give me time” you ask.

“Always.” She whispers, a bit of a smile tugging at your lips. You smile back before your stomach rumbles and Lena insist you begin eating. Breakfast is surprisingly relaxed. You’d feared it would have been tense or awkward after everything but Lena is still Lena and she still puts you at ease and soothes the jagged pieces of your soul. Once you’ve devoured everything, done the dishes for her (at your insistence) and changed back into your supersuit, you hover on her balcony, Lena leaning against the jamb.

“I’ll see you soon?” you ask,

“As soon as you like Kara.” She replies, smiling softly and looking at you with such adoration it nearly cripples you. You fly away before you get sucked into a black hole of emotions.

_Breathe in the light_

_I’ll stay here in the shadow_

_Waiting for a sign, as the tide grows_

_Higher and high and higher._

You end up not seeing Lena for nearly seven months. As soon as you get home everything crashes back onto you and it hurts so bad you end up curling up on your bed and sobbing into a pillow. You throw yourself into Supergirl so much you almost forget Kara Danvers exists. But then one day you can’t stand this distance between you and Lena and while your still not ready, still raw and broken and Idea comes to mind. Late that night, when you’re sure Lena is actually home and gone to sleep you fly up to the bay windows and plaster a small post it note to her window. On it is drawn a simple heart, drawn in red and your house crest in the center in blue. You refuse to overthink the implication and fly away. The next morning you wake up to a single blue heart emoji from Lena and smile. It’s the first time you’ve really smiled since that afternoon at her penthouse.

The post it’s become a regular thing. You give her one twice a week, always removing the old one and placing it under the fake potted plant on her balcony, just in case she wants to keep it (you tell yourself it’s not because you want her to. ~~You do~~ )

Nearly seven months after the daxamite invasion, seven months with nothing but post its and emojis from Lena you come home and your struck by how empty your life feels without her, how human she makes you feel. Hesitantly you start to think maybe, just maybe you’re ready, for what you’re not sure but with Lena it doesn’t seem so impossible.  A mere two days after this realization you come home to find a single blue post it note stuck to your apartment door. Written on it In Lena’s elegant cursive it reads ‘I’m still here for you, if you want that.’

You don’t hesitate in jumping out your window and racing to her apartment, post it note clenched tight in your fist.

You scare the absolute crap out of Lena when you land a bit heavy on her balcony. She hurries over and open it too find you standing there, still in your work clothes from the day, looking dishevelled and panting. She looks at you with concern and love written all over her face it makes your heart ache and yearn for her. “Kara? Are you okay?” she asks and it’s the final push you need. After months of not talking, barely communicating, after making her wait half a year for you to come back to yourself, her first words to you are of concern.

You step into her apartment crash into her, kissing her like she’s the only thing that matters. (She is, oh Rao she is.)  Lena is initially knocked off balance but quickly finds, it, wrapping her arms around your waist and neck and kissing you back just as enthusiastically, just as needily.  You kiss her until neither of you can you breath. When you break apart you instantly touch your forehead to hers. You bring the hand with the crumpled post it note up to your chest, cradling it like it’s the most precious thing in the word. Lena looks at it and you meet her eyes.

“I still want it. I still want you. I’m… I’m not okay.” You admit, hand shaking slightly until Lena takes it, cradling the back of your hand and drawing it to her chest. ”I’m not okay but I’m ready. I want to love you. If you still want that.” You whisper, echoing her own words back at her. Her eyes water and you’re afraid she’s going to cry until the biggest smile you’ve ever seen breaks across her face.

“I want this.”

It’s all you need to crash your lips together once more.

_And in the night you’ll hear me calling_

_You’ll hear me calling._


End file.
